Poetry Artifact

This collection combines truth, humour, love, hope, and inclusion. My lived experiences as a wheelchair user have shaped this collection. I hope to create awareness and space for change.
My intention is to get audiences to think and question some potential assumptions and what some might take for granted. Additionally, I invite readers to reflect on what is working, and for potential allies to give voice to underrepresented populations. To continue their interpretations and continue their writing.
I don’t think that I know everyone’s (dis)Ability experiences. When I refer to ‘I’ it is because I’m speaking from my personal experience, from the heart. The use of the word ‘YOU ‘does not suggest personal responsibility but references wider society.
In my opinion, this poetry continues to be unfinished. No matter how many readers pick up this book, no single experience is the same. This is just the beginning of a long journey.
I have always been intrigued with using poetry as a form of expression. It was important while writing to keep a clear vision of who I am as a person, regardless of discrimination/barriers I face daily. I wanted this poetry collection to be a reminder to myself of the strength, resiliency, creativity, and fortitude I possess. Even though (dis)Ability may be a sensitive and uncomfortable topic, it deserves and needs to be expressed in whatever way makes the individual feel heard, seen, and accepted. There were times while writing, I felt very lonely and angry. However, once I completed the collection, I felt a sense of release and was able to envision future possibilities where I may be accepted for who am, not what I am……(dis)Abled.
Through writing, I deliberately made a choice not to accept full responsibility for all the societal changes that may need to take place, instead I decided to bring awareness and realize that change is something we are all responsible for. In order for change to happen; it may require looking at some parts of ourselves that we may be unfamiliar and uncomfortable with. This includes not only those that may be considered able-bodied, but myself as well. I really struggled to continue with the positive vision of my own strengths and resiliency etc., but I knew if I did not take this approach, it would be very difficult to manifest in my everyday life and future possibilities for the growth of the (dis)Ability community. In my experience hardships and barriers are familiar encounters, that I almost have a pre-written script that details the steps I take to navigate the specific situation. Even though following the script may not end up with the outcome I was hoping for, I follow it anyway. For example, when hiring a personal support worker (PSW), I detail my needs through an advertisment, I post the ad in hopes of finding an ideal candidate, I usually get the same conversation of what their expectations are for the position, not what my requirements are., Tthen I get the pre-emptive comparison to nursing home policies, even though I am not in a nursing home, and do not require two individuals to assist me. This makes me feel invisible, as I feel I am always trying to justify that I am a good person to work for and I am very respectful and understanding of my PSW’s needs.
What I try to do is redefine my invisibility and/or hyper-visibility on my own terms, meaning that, yes, I may need assistance from a PSW, however I am capable and willing to give back. This is a similar situation, when I think about simply wanting to have dinner with a friend. However, there is nothing simple about it, I must make sure where we are going is accessible, that I am able to get appropriate transportation to get there, and that my transportation is available for the day we determine. In the end I am still able to go out and have a good time, enjoy food, conversation, laughing and connection. However, the planning and scripting that is required to achieve the result, is very time consuming and stressful. My intention for using these examples, is to show that on the inside I have very similar desires that are very similar to the rest of the world’s population (getting my needs met). However, getting my needs met requires patience and creativity. Through my poetry collection, I wanted readers to start to understand that (dis)Ability itself is not complex, but we approach the (dis)Abled body in ways that are sometimes unnecessarily complex ways. I feel this creates feelings of ableism, hyper-visibility, and invisibility, as I attest to within my poems.
In phenomenology, poetry is used often to illuminate the lived experiences of PWD and can be effective in streamlining shared experiences. In doing this, it brings a presence to (dis)Ability by specifically using metaphorical language to unpack the categorical nature of (dis)Ability, the familiar representations of (dis)Ability are brought into unfamiliar constellations (Kuppers, 2009). This is done by changing the audience’s perspective of an individual or situation, for example from a quadriplegic wheelchair user, to an academic. Poetry and (dis)Ability are machines that hold both tension (commonly held beliefs) and agency (self awareness). Society may be the magicians that and change me into who they perceive me to be, but this is not the reality of who I am or what I am capable of, despite the barriers I may face (Kuppers, 2009). Poetry helps describe real world activity and/or experiences as theyit unfolds, and it describes the doing action of the public or institutions that may create exclusionary practices (Sorensen, 2009). This may be an unconscious action or an action that may be based solely on physical ability. For example, in my poem entitled ‘Ableism Is’ I talk about societal perception around ‘the (dis)Abled body’. I intentionally kept my sentences short, so that I can engage fully with my own thoughts and feelings. ‘Sticking to the image’ is commonly used in phenomenological poetry because it helps to interpret actions rather than the symbolism of what the author is trying to convey (Serbena, 2022). Doing this helps the reader remain more attentive to the message being conveyed and creates a realization of the human condition. By uncovering it and launching it into the world as a form of truth, this is known as poiesis (Serbena, 2022). In my writing I intertwine personal experiences among attitudinal, structural, and systemic barriers that help to ‘stick to my image’, and my form of truth. My intentional use of language helps readers to take a very sensitive topic and turn it into something that is more manageable and understood.
My poetry intends to take the reader on a journey in which my truth about the human condition is expressed through my perspective. As I acknowledge in my writing, there are many ways of being, and it is my hope that (dis)Ability will become a more celebrated way of being. I hope you can share in my emotions while reflecting on your own and together change can happen.

My wheels of life have been a study companion
They have been with me and impacted me since the beginning of their time
But they’re not all of me. They celebrated with me
Sat silently with me, in motion without the use of my legs
they challenge me,
they show me innovation
at times there is heartache.
The wheels run me over
I hope the wheels keep turning as we recreate an authentic future with creativity, innovation and difference
The wheels will be able to carry and circle other communities
they are the perfect shape for creating continuance
May people be able to use the cogs of their wheels to create a position in which they feel they fit perfectly
Hopefully, there are other communities of wheels that will roll in solidarity
I’m not pretending that this will be easy, accepted or supported.
Wheels and communities in motion fit better when they travel together

Ableism is assuming resistance is ungratefulness or stubbornness
Ableism is being inspired by our existence
Ableism is thinking you know best
Ableism is believing that accommodations mean less work
Ableism is assuming we want and need to be fixed
Ableism is reducing our lives to dollar signs
Ableism is a lack of opportunity or resources
Ableism is assuming strength and time heal you
Ableism is a lack of responsibility
Ableism is silencing voices
Ableism is underpaid work because of (dis)Ability
Ableism is checkboxes proof and application forms
Ableism is survival
Ableism is prioritizing what essential needs matter
Ableism is endless self-marketing and promoting
Ableism is shaming bodies and abilities
Ableism is limiting possibilities by minimizing (dis)Ability as a change agent
Ableism starts and ends with YOU

I am more than my (dis)Ability, but still need your help
I am powerful when heard
I am strong but not indestructible
I am patient but not aimless
I am shifting but not disappearing
I am accountable but not sorry
I am loving but won’t be unlovable
I am learning but knowledgeable
I am open to your words, but I’ll tell you how I feel
I can forgive but expect change
I am seen but not special
I am okay being alone but will resist isolation
I am (dis)Abled, but together we are able

Stare, but don’t be afraid
Stare, but know we’re headed in the same direction
Stare, but know we all have 24 hours in a day and mine were productive too-
Stare, but know I’m a woman
Stare, but realize my wheelchair is a vehicle just like your car
Stare, but know I see you
Stare, but know my fork doesn’t talk or the food I eat with it
Don’t stare or ask others – speak to me. I bet I’ll surprise you with my answers

With the flick of my wrist, I push my chair forward
I lean it back like I’m laying on clouds
I can make knowledge, read and write
Make connections beyond the width of the stage
I can communicate all day and night
The crowd goes wild as imaginary
‘try me’ buttons light up the room
Talking, moving, thinking too!
The stage is mine
I can fill it up with the flick of the wrist, tongue, cheek, and jaw!
A young boy running toward me, happy
I twirl him using my chair
I get cards just for being there
People come up and touch my soft hands
I ponder my day and wonder when cash will be in the hat
I wouldn’t mind a few more knickknacks
I smile to myself, but I am tired
I will go home eat, sleep and stretch my brain to maximum power.
If you thought today was inspirational
Next time can you throw me 100 or two?

May there be less of a need to window shop
To learn through the process of elimination
To compare and analyze yourself
To choose the least harmful option
To sacrifice well-being
To figure it all out
To say you’re okay
To work so hard
To never give in
To have endless energy
To keep searching
To build your future
To get it just right
There is only one of you
You must be valuable
You must be true
Suppose it looks like the truth is not possible
Then, believe it takes more than you

Time’s not up yet
Time’s not up yet. Hold on tight
Times are not up yet. Hold on tight
Blast that music
Talk it out.
Write
Create something only you can understand.
It’s for nobody’s eyes, ears, or heart but yours.
Hold On Tight.
Times are not up yet.
Don’t settle for less. Speak out loud.
You know what you need
Repeat, repeat.
Advocate. just hold on tight
Time’s not up yet
People don’t know you as you know, yourself
Time is yours because time’s not up yet.
As long as you choose to be here, people and support are responsible for giving you time.
As long as you’re here, time’s not up yet because you are accomplishing living

Don’t tell. Don’t scare
Don’t tell, don’t offend
Don’t be meek, but self-monitor
Be productive but independent
Feel but don’t cry
Be knowledgeable, not overbearing
Be powerful but know your place
Tell your story but don’t write the chapters
Fight but don’t win
Despite this, own your story. Wwrite the chapters the way you know and create them
Disrupt the status quo, be powerful
Your story may help someone else begin to rise and thrive

I know your fears hold a passion
I know your loneliness holds a vision
I know your pain has a rich history
I know your authenticity is love
I know your anger is knowledge
I know your breakdowns are moments for connection
I know your need to structure is about necessity and independence
I know your words are opportunities to listen
I know your questions are opportunities to reflect
I know your situation allows me an opportunity to challenge myself and grow

Love loud, and question
Love loud and be proud
Love loud and act
Love loud but change what love sounds like and should be
Love loud from the outside in
Love loud and integrate
Love loud and find a way
Love loud and say yes
Love loud and know that every bit matters
Love loud and feel the importance
Love loud and hold steady
Love loud and connect to your values
Love loud but like no one is watching
Love loud , and you will be able to feel the quiet and unique vibrance of those around you

I am not a superhero, but I can move fast
I am not special but rather badass
I have learned to navigate this world in these changing times
It is a prerequisite but I’m not gonna sign
Times are not changing for me, and my wheelchair
and even hocus pocus won’t end the love we share
Often we’re off balance because life is such a challenge
But we can make it work when humour is mixed among the hurt
Use your imagination, laughter, love, and play
You know your world and ways from the start
Speak out loud and from the heart

Heal in being heard
Utilize community. Uproot assumptions
Manifest your vision
Access = acceptance of your authentic self
Niche (Create a)
Independent and interconnected (Be)
Take Back your power
You are enough

I come in you think you know my story
Pen ready, you have me figured out
I am searching for the words that make sense things that are real
I’m drowning in your clinical babble
Your inaccessible, just like the office
You’re telling me to change my thoughts but remain unaffected, by what I share
You tell me things take time but rush my process
You try and cure me with logic and assume my own is faulty
You can have expectations, but mine are unattainable
Shadows are okay with light
Pain is okay but must be time-limited
Living is okay, but survival is dangerous
—————————————————————————
I know healing begins when you listen and learn my story
When pens are down, and souls are invested
When you speak from a place of vulnerability rather than a textbook
When you value time and your contribution to it
When you accept that logic comes from lived experience and trust my words and actions
When you realize the expectations I have, place value and commitment on myself, the relationship, and the healing process
When you believe that through shadows and pain, voices in their purest form are validated
When you know that survival is the deepest act of self-respect and love
When you are humbled and honored to walk beside me, not in front of me
When you hold my load with me
When you remember your pain
When we are human

Energy work is a flowing life force
Freedom from limitations.
Freedom from your mind.
Complete acceptance. Your body is working for you. Every part of you is working with more and more ease
Your body and mind are not against you.
Not talking, for, to or about you, except to show you love.
The fight has quieted between your mind, body, and soul
Things will release as needed. Give yourself permission
Be in the moment.
Be with the flow of life.
(Dis)Ability will never change.
But it is possible.
You can get your body and mind to work for you with proper support, not against you.
Your body can show you compassion and receive it.
It is possible to be at one with the world and not feel guilty about it.
Our bodies and our minds can do right by us, and you deserve the opportunity to experience this
Whatever it looks like for you. And whatever you need in the process
This experience is all about you
Ask for expression, ask for support.
You’re not any less worthy because you’re not doing this alone. However long it takes.
You are safe and protected here. No masks, you are you and only you
You are doing it, and your body and mind is showing you a different way.
Let things unfold and grow to be mindful,
Let your body go, let your heart unfold, and let people meet your needs in the process.

I come in you think you know my story
Pen ready, you have me figured out
I am searching for the words that make sense things that are real
I’m drowning in your clinical babble
Your inaccessible, just like the office
You’re telling me to change my thoughts but remain unaffected, by what I share
You tell me things take time but rush my process
You try and cure me with logic and assume my own is faulty
You can have expectations, but mine are unattainable
Shadows are okay with light
Pain is okay but must be time-limited
Living is okay, but survival is dangerous
—————————————————————————
I know healing begins when you listen and learn my story
When pens are down, and souls are invested
When you speak from a place of vulnerability rather than a textbook
When you value time and your contribution to it
When you accept that logic comes from lived experience and trust my words and actions
When you realize the expectations I have, place value and commitment on myself, the relationship, and the healing process
When you believe that through shadows and pain, voices in their purest form are validated
When you know that survival is the deepest act of self-respect and love
When you are humbled and honored to walk beside me, not in front of me
When you hold my load with me
When you remember your pain
When we are human

Travel is not a choice; travel is not the act of getting to and from places
It has little to do with raising fuel prices or owning a vehicle
The traffic on the roads of life halting my spontaneity.
I thump schoolbooks, not stadiums
I don’t navigate shopping malls; I navigate my ability to wear what is sold
I don’t book travel agents; I recruit help for my next bathroom trip or school assignments
Money is not access to travel; money is compensation to travel to the shower to the subsequent appointments if my agents will take on the risk without knowing where they are landing
They may hit all the stop lights, and I will have to navigate roundabouts
I take route after route to be able to access my home, my life, my community
It’s not a commuter’s dream, but the journey is more manageable with more passengers.

I am continuously examining the power of words. The way they are used have the power to divide and unite people.
As human beings, we have an incredible gift to be able to create language.
Language, that can be heard and received by others.
We can accomplish this by beginning to unlearn what we have seen and been taught about (dis)Ability
So, I ask you how are you using your ability to mobilize language?
Have you thought about the power you’ve been given to share, receive or resist the language of others as humans communicate the meanings of their lives
Persons with (dis)Abilities often are placed in positions where they must interact with systems that make the language of change impermeable
Sometimes diagnosis doesn’t even place someone a cut above the rest for support
How do we convey the views and needs of others when they cannot use language, what is our responsibility?
We must continue to use language to begin to initiate so many shifts that are needed in the world.
Observe, but speak your truth.
Research, but share
Use language carefully and with intention
Stand up and know when it’s time to sit
Society must push for the things that cannot be seen or it won’t come into view
Must push for the things that do not seem like viable possibilities, or they will never become choices.
We must use language for a better tomorrow or to make a small change today
Think, speak, share, and act

The start of my day begins.
The personal support worker places the equipment to lift me up and roll me from side to side. Then, putting the sling under me.
It takes some time
My legs hold captive the pillow that was holding my feet apart last night.
Tell my body to relax. Nope.
Move my legs. Wrong again
Sometimes it’s a matter of performing a Houdini move so we can quickly flip the pillow out from underneath me.
Then there is the upper body torso.
I never knew my body was so good at the bulldozer impression.
My morning routine is a lot like the bulldozer.
My sling is a padded scoop holding my body in a cocoon-like shape, attached to a machine driven by others to transport it. Tthe goal is no body spillage
A backwards maneuver to enter the bathroom as I am on the commode chair
Back in my room for washing and powdering.
Attempt to get dressed.
I feel like the dressing process isit’s like a game of operation. Touching my muscles before the stiff ‘buzz’ sounds the alarm
If my muscles react the wrong way, the buzzer takes all!
Muscles one, clothes zero
My personal bulldozer and its gadgets ban together once again back to my wheelchair
My hair is an easier beast to tame.
As I eat, I think to myself, there’s not one way, there is no right way, but there is our way

Cripping education
One task at a time
Changing the meaning of the ‘good’ (dis)Abled graduate student
Putting my voice forward to lessen the power of other’s voices
By redefining and expanding productivity
Knowing I am an expert in my own life
Questioning preference over necessities
By using creativity to open doors to possibility
Life experience is a vulnerable form of highly praised critical analysis skills
To take up the space, I deserve

Mistrust, I am in the process of unlearning
Inflexible, I know what is right for me
Emotional, I am intuitive
Needy, I am interdependent
Over bearingarring, I am holding myself and others accountable
Anxiety, I want to express your value
Lack of self-worth, I can be selectively authentic. I can choose when to praise myself because I know my self-worth and when others value it
Over analyzing, I have profound awareness and value when others respect my need to prepare
Holds on to pain, I know what conditions allow me to release. I will wait for them
Negative, my truth has value, I am realistic

All too often my inner world feels disjointed and restricted
I ask myself “where do I fit in this world?”
I look around and see mechanical lifts, assistive devices, and a defective body
My answer: not with the ‘normals’.
Inclusion criteria, the efficient performance of the white able body.
When the “normals” come into contact with this extraterrestrial community, the list of minimum requirements will become a mission to abolish any social emotional or physical differences
Thoughts and feelings squeeze my insides and it’s a struggle to control my burning eyes
The expanding lump in my throat and my stiff tingling body feel soulless, a human shell
My words are caught; the shadowy figures get louder each carrying their own stories:

BROKEN
EXPECTATIONS
DEMORALIZED
INVISIBILITY

As my parents or support workers drop my daily meds in my mouth they travel a short journey, priming my preferred demeanor’ each pill taking on my inner world
My shadowy figures rising dislodged from their home within me
Each one takes its place, despite being in a seated position in my wheelchair
My limbs are rigid due to muscle spasms my phantom like figures curl around my misshapen body that could have and should have been ‘normal’.
Surgeries didn’t fix me, my phantom figures act like an overly amused sideshow, still holding to hope that anything can change if ‘I put my mind to it’.
My feelings can drown me, and my inner world leaves me to battle some of the harshest storms
These storms remain docile to onlookers ‘the thriving student, the genuine connector’.
I have an inner drive to live, see and create change.
This I am thankful and excited about, I am also hurt, angry and exhausted.
My body is more than a site of inspiration, it carries and has carried relentless emotional and physical pain and is a site of endurance
My eyes carry a unified vision of humanity, while they cry tears and watch fear grow.
My tongue has been silenced; my words have been squelched
My words speak the language of solidarity to all those with lifelong impairments.
(Dis)Abled communities don’t have to accept a society that (dis)Ables with words representations lack of and sterile interactions
To my family I love you, I am forever grateful for your endless support, thanks for all you give physically and emotionally because of this, my life extends far beyond my wheelchair
I so appreciate you’re unwavering values of love, inclusivity, adapting and spontaneity
To my friends, thank you for your deep love and commitment
You have taught me so much about strength and how to be a radical and an authentic ‘badass’, love you all.
To my professors and mentors, your teaching has enabled me to write and connect to my own voice.
To redefine and recreate a world based on social justice, self-acceptance, beauty, and autonomy.
So, this is a call to humanity are you willing to sacrifice comfort?
Challenge yourself at a core level
This is not an individual responsibility
What role will you play?

As I write, I re-imagine community
As I write, I see more possibilities
As I write, I see unification
As I write, I see validation
As I write, I see resilience
As I write, I drop the labels and assumptions
As I write, my heart is ready and waiting
As I write, I fight
As I write, I plan
As I write, I am equal
As I write, I see responsibility
As I write, I know a way forward
As I write, I hear acknowledgement of misinformed speech and actions
As I write, others see me
As I write, I see myself